I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be real. And this is a real blog. And I put it there this time. Adoption is raw, and real, and hard.”
I wish I could say that adoption was all unicorns and rainbows and that’s it a season in my life where I’m always smiling and happy, and full of nothing but smiles and rainbows- I mean, I’m adopting a child, right? I should be blissfully floating along on a cloud of awesome.
Not. Even. Close.
In reality, my emotions are all over the map some days and it’s hard to keep my head on straight. And adoption being the roller coaster that it is often finds me sitting and staring out a window after I put Lev to bed and fighting the urge to eat my emotions: fighting past fear, and frustration, and anxiety, and fear again- around and around. In between, there’s excitement and happiness and planning. It can be brutal. But so much wonderfulness comes at the end that I just hang on, and know that the Lord will bring me another day closer to that child. When I come to that place, the place where I know there is nothing left to hope in except God, I know I’m the safest.
The last 2 months have been somewhat difficult. Fundraisers take a lot out of me, putting myself out there, when I’d rather just sit at home and read books with Lev and people watch at the park. And while I thought people would be happy for us, and be excited about our fundraiser, and participate how they felt most comfortable, I caught a really surprising amount of negativity about it. For some reason, I was rather unprepared for that. People think we’re crazy (Isn’t one adoption enough?). Or they think we should be adopting only black kids (John Piper has black kids- well darn it, so should I apparently). Some people think having a fundraiser is dumb. They questioned why I had giveaways and why I didn’t spend that money on it instead of using toward our fees. (FYI-I spent $40 on the fundraiser. $40 doesn’t get you far when you’re adopting, so I invested that $40 in something fun, and the Lord turned it into almost $3000. ) It’s frustrating beyond belief some days. But ultimately, my reaction was the only I could control, and I didn’t exactly do a whiz bang job.
In the end, I let the naysayers get under my skin. And that was lame. I can do better. I should have shrugged those comments off, and played it cool and asked those people to pray for us. But I didn’t. I slid into a funk and didn’t emphasize enough the encouraging things- the stuff that really mattered most:
1. A note from a girl I don’t know well, really just encouraging me to keep going. I loved that.
2. All the people who took time to comment and email and text, and call, to say they were praying for me, because they know that I hate putting myself out on a limb and really reaching for things and that it was all going to be worth it in the end.
3. All the people who sit with me and hold my hand so to speak while I talk about frustration and pain and the total emotional and financial drain that I’ve felt throughout Lev’s adoption and this new one.
4. All the other families I know that are adopting who understand the the highs and lows I experience. It calms my heart a little bit when people to say, “Girl, seriously, I know that feeling well. You are totally normal.” It helps me to realize that what I am feeling is OK, and that I’m not extra insane, or losing my mind completely.
5. The fact that our fundraiser garnered almost $3,000. People you have no idea how exciting that was. I was convinced that no one would sponsor a single piece. Alex said it was going to be awesome and to chill out, but I was terrified. TERRIFIED. Half our puzzle pieces are sponsored and while we work on putting it together, I look at all those names and I am thankful for all of you!
It’s really amazing to me that the Lord would choose our family and entrust to us these awesome kids. We’re just these two people, you know? We don’t do special things, we don’t know tons of people, we aren’t social butterflies, and our adoptions are always long and arduous. But He still entrusts us with these sweet kids. That’s pretty fly.