I was deep in my google drive tonight, looking for something to pass on to someone and I found this document labeled January 7, 2010. 4 Years and 3 days ago. I was a vastly different person 4 years ago, so I was little nervous about what I would find when I clicked on this. Fun background facts:
4 years ago, I had no idea I was going to be a mom at the end of September. That particular January, similar to this one, I was rather worn out emotionally from all the contacts from expectant parents. It had been 4 or 5 in 4 months, and there would be a couple more before February 14th, when we met Lev’s birthmom for the first time, and still another after that in march. January was month 13 or 14 of waiting, and I had no idea how much longer this thing was supposed to drag on. I was already kind of over it to be honest. We had made plans to start an international adoption a couple of weeks before and we had picked Poland, and started the paperwork. And then we had to stop the next month becuase Lev’s birthmom contacted us. It was a crazy awesome year. But on January 7th, I wrote this thing below. I don’t know what I planned to do with it. Sometimes I just write stuff down so that it won’t be in my head anymore. At the end I mention “the 5 of us.” I’m not sure where that came from, except that I know we discussed sibling groups and for a week, we were set on that. We changed our minds on that part after Lev was born and realized that wouldn’t be in our best interests to parent 3 kids close together. 2 I could handle, 3 at once was a little much for me to think about. And that’s how we got Violet! But I digress. The stuff below is more of random brain dump, probably written during a naptime or something. I don’t really need to say much about it, other than the fact that I’m amazed that very few of my thoughts about this have changed over 4 years.
I often feel like I short changed myself when I became a nanny but really, I didn’t. I passed up what would surely be my ticket to a dead end lecturer position to play endless rounds of freeze tag and debate the merits of the pink power ranger over the blue power ranger, wipe runny noses and constantly pray the little charges entrusted to me will not realize they can stick metal objects into non child proofed sockets.
When I watch these 2 play at the park, I think about where the small people we’ll eventually acquire are. They’re out there in the world somewhere without me, their mother and the thought bothers me. I don’t know what they are eating, or who they play with and I can’t pick them up when they cry , or defend them from injustice. I think about how their little lives will change on the day they leave that orphanage forever, and if they will remember polish language or poland or the people at the orphanage who cared for them. In some ways I hope they do, in the way that some Christians think about there life before CHrist saved them from hopeless irrevocable depravity- it’s not something to long for and want to return to, but rather as a reference point- a kind of first day of the rest of ones life scenario. I wonder about the parents who let them go so I could be their child’s mother- about the depth of hopelessness, violence, poverty, or just plain disinterest that led to such a traumatic end to motherhood- that’s what it took for these children to be mine- to be made wholly and irrevocably mine.
I think that as I stand on the brink of motherhood, I don’t think of myself- I rather wonder what these children will think of us- why we adopted them and loved them. Maybe they won’t care and maybe it will be something that forms how they see the world. I wonder what they will become because they have a mother who loves art and literature and father who loves freedom and parents united more out of devotion to God rather than to each other. And I wonder what we will become because we chose them to be our children. I already know we care less about the expense of adoption and more about the end result of it. But where will this journey take the 5 of us and just what will we be at the end of our lives?