Disclaimer: There’s a lot of waiting parents in our program who read this blog, as well as people thinking about adopting from Poland who are looking for info. My experience and their experience will differ very much and no adoption is the same. So from here on out as I write openly and earnestly about our experience, this “disclaimer” is going to appear at the top of my posts. Our crazy long sanctifying wait is not due to anything anyone at our agency, the facilitator, or our family has done. It just is. There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s all our of our hands at this point. I’m doing my best to make the best of it. This is adoption, people. It is what it is. Thanks for staying calm with us

 

On Monday, it will be 9 months since our first trip. That’s quite a chunk of time. In that time, Lev got totally potty trained. My sister had a baby. He just arrived a couple weeks ago. I wish I could describe how much we’d like Alex to get a new job, but he can’t because we’re sitting around. But in 9 months, he could have totally found a new job.  I’ve taken down the wall paper in one bathroom, and painted. We threw out so much stuff it’s almost hilarious. I’ve eaten most of the stuff in the freezer that I made to eat after we came back. It was getting freezer burned. We got $13000 in grants. WE’re very thankful for that. We’re just a couple thousand dollars away from being fully funded for this adoption adventure simply just doesn’t end. I’m trying to think up fun things to do.

Frankly I’m running out of emotional energy. Someone suggested we get together and I need to email her and say, “I have enough emotional energy to put on some bug repellant and sit on your front porch. If I summon all my strength, we could go eat a snack downtown.” I jokingly tell people that I’m on a 5 second delay. It takes a slightly longer amount of time to process things people say to me.

Anyways, the latest news is that we learned a tiny smidgy little bit about our Judge. She’s a lady. She’s not known for being timely. If you can all pray that she’ll sign the paper soon, we’d be very grateful.

I remind myself everyday, the Lord knows the end of this.  When I wake up at 4 am everyone morning becuase Lev is climbing into our bed, I remind myself that we are one day closer to the day we get to go back and get Violet. And today I was thankful for a (mostly) very encouraging conversation with the agency director. She commiserated with me, and encouraged me to keep trusting in the Lord. Some of the things the Lord is teaching me about himself are very simple. He Knows. He hears. He knew all those years ago when I sat in the Dr.’s office and she told me that it was going to be an uphill battle to have bio kids. He knew on the day when I left the fertility clinic  for that last time and went home and told Alex it didn’t work. I was only 28 at the time.  He hears my prayers and he answers them. One of my favorite verses is from Isaiah 65:23-24:

 

They will not labor in vain….
for they will be a people blessed by the Lord,
    they and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer;
    while they are still speaking I will hear.

 

There’s been many many times in the last 5 years of adoption, first Lev, then Violet, that I’ve felt like I’m a slow boat to nowhere. When I first read these verses it was just so encouraging to me.  There’s just so much uncertainty in adoption but knowing that the Lord hears and acts even when I can’t see it is comforting.  The Lord has been so kind to give us not one, but 2 children. That kindness is not lost on me, and I think it’s what keeps me from getting totally crazy all the time.  In the end, even though things are no where near where I wanted them to be, and that there are people actively wishing for Lady judge to spill red wine, or coffee or whatever on her blouse, I know that we’ll get there.

State of Being.

Disclaimer: There’s a lot of waiting parents in our program who read this blog, as well as people thinking about adopting from Poland who are looking for info. My experience and their experience will differ very much and no adoption is the same. So from here on out as I write openly and earnestly about our experience, this “disclaimer” is going to appear at the top of my posts. Our crazy long sanctifying wait is not due to anything anyone at our agency, the facilitator, or our family has done. It just is. There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s all our of our hands at this point. I’m doing my best to make the best of it. This is adoption, people. It is what it is. Thanks for staying calm with us. 

 

In the last few months, we’ve been celebrating each month that passes on Violets birthday with some sort of treat. Since she and lev share the same birthdate (different months and years though) we usually celebrate them both. Last month, I took the easy out and bought some prince polos, which are a fun chocolate wafer cookie candy thing from Poland. This month I tried to get fancy with Pinterest, by making something called an apple pie wrap.

Now, Pinterest and I don’t really get along. I see things, I pin them, and sometimes I attempt a project or a recipe. The last couple of months things were going well. Food tasted ok, projects were doable. So I really had high hopes for these apple pie wraps.

malvina 23 months-1

I followed the directions perfectly. I didn’t skimp on the sugar like I normally do, and I even did the egg wash. And they came out looking like this. And tasting even worse. As I put them into the oven I thought to myself, “I wonder if I should fry these. They don’t look like they’ll be crispy and crunchy.” And they weren’t. It was a disappointment, but we struggled through them after dinner. I forced my way through one. Alex managed somehow to eat 3. Lev picked his up off the plate and examined it, gave it a sniff, then a cursory lick, declared it “gross” and asked to leave the table. We like to think Violet would have probably just thrown hers on the floor in disgust. I wouldn’t have blamed her either. I should have followed my instinct and fried them. Whatever. It’s just a dessert right?

Next month is Violets actual birthday. In all honesty, we thought we would be back home by now. We were planning to have a family party at my parents house in Savannah, and my grandparents were going to come for it. We’re still going to have that party, but probably not next month.  So I’m sort of at a loss as to what to do. Not making something seems kind of terrible. This is our daughter, so not doing something to mark the day doesn’t sit well with me. So I think I’m going to make a strawberry shortcake (not from pinterest) and we’ll all eat it after dinner like we normally do.  I can’t say for sure yet, because I don’t know how I’ll feel that day.

Marking the passage of time isn’t something I like doing. On one hand, it’s fun to think up ways to honor her every month and to look forward to going back. But at the same time, the fact that I’ve been doing this for almost 9 months totally sucks. Sorry, mom. I said Sucks on the interwebs and I know you hate when I do that. But I think this happy-sad state of existence in adoption is part of the reason some people think of adoption as a beautiful tragedy.  It’s beautiful for all the obvious reasons. And it’s tragedy because a kid loses their first family, and then has to wait 9 months for the new one to come and pick them up. There’s other more deep and spiritually profound things I could say about it, but today, I’m sort of operating on a superficial level. It’s been like that for a couple of weeks for me. I’m afraid that if I scratch deeper than the superficial, the emotions and thoughts I have to deal with after that will be a little much for me. 9 months is a long time, and as I told the agency director the other day, it would be easier if there was a person I could attach my negative emotions to. But the Lord has been gracious to keep me from blaming people for the way things are, and it’s a waste of my time and energy to be mad at someone who’s not at fault for the long wait. That’s unfair, and unnecessary and immature.

Anyways, back to the brighter side. There’s a bunch of fun things going on otherwise, that I’ll write about instead! Like my new nephew and nice weather, the fact that Lev is TOTALLY POTTY TRAINED NOW and all the weddings I’m hopefully able to photograph this summer in between galavanting about the european countryside.  It’s not all doom and gloom around here. I’m headed out now to enjoy some afternoon shopping with Lev! Everyone go outside! Happy Spring!

Our wait is almost over. Still.

It’s may 2nd people.

MAY. SECOND.

And I am still in America. And if I had a dollar for everytime someone said, “Geez, girl. I can’t believe you’re still waiting for those dates!” I would be wealthier than Oprah. I’d have so much money, I wouldn’t know what to do with it all.

 

Side Note: It’s actually much more helpful if people would say instead, “Hey, Girl! You’re one day closer to getting those dates!” Becuase that’s what I tell myself every morning when I’m drinking my coffee. It’s what I told myself when we were waiting to be matched with Lev’s birthfamily, and while we were waiting for him to be born. It keeps me positive. THat way, when people tell me, I can say cheerfully, “I KNOW!” instead of when people say things like the “Geez, girl,” comment I get more often, after which I don’t really really know what say. I usually shift my eyes off to the right and up slightly, and say something dumb while sort of sighing like, “Yep. That’s true”. It doesn’t even make sense as a response.

But I’m off topic.  Instead, here’s a brief funny story, and a list of things I do to make it through my crazy, silly wait.

******

We signed court papers last week. I was reading through them, becuase we had to get them signed and notarized and sent back, and I was reading along. TO summarize, they basically asked for a date that bonding could start (meaning we go there, and get Violet) and then a bunch of other legal blah blah stuff. And then on the second page, was this paragraph that said a lot of things, but then said this:

“The State of North Carolina, where we live, is mainly inhabited by people of Polish descent.”

It also said a bunch of other stuff, which I found rather amusing. So I call Alex, loyal american, and teller of truth. We chat:

“I sort of don’t want to sign that paper. I mean it’s true, lots of people here are of polish descent, but that doesnt mean everyone is. You’re not…”

“True, but you are.”

“But not everyone is. And those other parts, I don’t know about them.”

After some more back and forth, I call the agency. They assure me it’s jut a legal formality and tell me to just sign the papers. I call Alex back.

“It’s just a legal formality.”

Yeah, but I don’t want to sign it. I cant say it’s all true.

Well, basically they made it sound like we have two choices, babe. We sign the paper and go get Violet, or you don’t sign, and this whole things ends right here.

We signed the papers. With smiles on our faces.

And Alex is fine now.  He just needed time to get used to it all. I love that guy so much.

And that was our most recent adoption activity.

****

In the mean time, since our predicted 4 month wait has stretched into 8 months and counting, I’ve had to find things to do with my nervous energy. Here’s a list of things I’ve done:

1. Precook. Then eat the stuff I made in february in May becuase it was getting freezer burned….

2. I discovered the bands The Head and the Heart, Imagine Dragon, and Bastille.

3. I went back to photography a little bit.

4. I precooked some new meals.

5. I’ve been working out more.

6. We put Violet’s room together.

7. I’ve watched way too much TV (and I’m not proud of some of it)

8. We went to FLorida, then to the beach. And to georgia a couple of time.

9. I removed the wallpaper in the master bath, and I’ve been painting.

10. I’m reading a novel called “The Deluge” by Henrik Sinkewicz. It’s about Poland and Sweden and Russia. I like it, but there are large sections of horseback riding and fighting to wade through.

11. I’m doing my best to read through Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy by the end of May in my Bible reading. Unlike other Christians who use fancy pants plans, I just read through my Bible.  It works for me.

12. I made crib sheets for violet’s crib, which she might grow out of before we got get her…. but whatever.

Basically, I’m resolved to do my best waiting without freaking out too much. I remind myself that everyday is one day closer to going, and that I’m not missing out on any time the Lord has ordained for us.

*******

Last but not least is a funny story about Lev waiting to go get Violet.

Last night, I gather up some pictures and Violets Easter bunny, and we get in the car, drive out to a place called Siler City to meet up with another family from our agency. They’re going to take the bunny and picture to Poland for us and give them to the facilitator to give to Violet. Hopefully.

Anyways, we’re most of the way there, and Lev is a little antsy and we tell him we’re going to go see some people about Violet, and he gets upset, throws the bunny up to the front of the car, and says to us,”Let’s just go get Violet.” We tried to explain about judges and such, but he was not hearing it. “I don’t care what they say. Let’s just go now.” Funny, but we feel the same way. But that’s why we’re the parents and not him. Lev’s way would get us sent to jail or something.

 

Hopefully we’ll have more exciting new in a week or so. Or two months. You know how it goes. =)