State of Being.

Disclaimer: There’s a lot of waiting parents in our program who read this blog, as well as people thinking about adopting from Poland who are looking for info. My experience and their experience will differ very much and no adoption is the same. So from here on out as I write openly and earnestly about our experience, this “disclaimer” is going to appear at the top of my posts. Our crazy long sanctifying wait is not due to anything anyone at our agency, the facilitator, or our family has done. It just is. There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s all our of our hands at this point. I’m doing my best to make the best of it. This is adoption, people. It is what it is. Thanks for staying calm with us. 


In the last few months, we’ve been celebrating each month that passes on Violets birthday with some sort of treat. Since she and lev share the same birthdate (different months and years though) we usually celebrate them both. Last month, I took the easy out and bought some prince polos, which are a fun chocolate wafer cookie candy thing from Poland. This month I tried to get fancy with Pinterest, by making something called an apple pie wrap.

Now, Pinterest and I don’t really get along. I see things, I pin them, and sometimes I attempt a project or a recipe. The last couple of months things were going well. Food tasted ok, projects were doable. So I really had high hopes for these apple pie wraps.

malvina 23 months-1

I followed the directions perfectly. I didn’t skimp on the sugar like I normally do, and I even did the egg wash. And they came out looking like this. And tasting even worse. As I put them into the oven I thought to myself, “I wonder if I should fry these. They don’t look like they’ll be crispy and crunchy.” And they weren’t. It was a disappointment, but we struggled through them after dinner. I forced my way through one. Alex managed somehow to eat 3. Lev picked his up off the plate and examined it, gave it a sniff, then a cursory lick, declared it “gross” and asked to leave the table. We like to think Violet would have probably just thrown hers on the floor in disgust. I wouldn’t have blamed her either. I should have followed my instinct and fried them. Whatever. It’s just a dessert right?

Next month is Violets actual birthday. In all honesty, we thought we would be back home by now. We were planning to have a family party at my parents house in Savannah, and my grandparents were going to come for it. We’re still going to have that party, but probably not next month.  So I’m sort of at a loss as to what to do. Not making something seems kind of terrible. This is our daughter, so not doing something to mark the day doesn’t sit well with me. So I think I’m going to make a strawberry shortcake (not from pinterest) and we’ll all eat it after dinner like we normally do.  I can’t say for sure yet, because I don’t know how I’ll feel that day.

Marking the passage of time isn’t something I like doing. On one hand, it’s fun to think up ways to honor her every month and to look forward to going back. But at the same time, the fact that I’ve been doing this for almost 9 months totally sucks. Sorry, mom. I said Sucks on the interwebs and I know you hate when I do that. But I think this happy-sad state of existence in adoption is part of the reason some people think of adoption as a beautiful tragedy.  It’s beautiful for all the obvious reasons. And it’s tragedy because a kid loses their first family, and then has to wait 9 months for the new one to come and pick them up. There’s other more deep and spiritually profound things I could say about it, but today, I’m sort of operating on a superficial level. It’s been like that for a couple of weeks for me. I’m afraid that if I scratch deeper than the superficial, the emotions and thoughts I have to deal with after that will be a little much for me. 9 months is a long time, and as I told the agency director the other day, it would be easier if there was a person I could attach my negative emotions to. But the Lord has been gracious to keep me from blaming people for the way things are, and it’s a waste of my time and energy to be mad at someone who’s not at fault for the long wait. That’s unfair, and unnecessary and immature.

Anyways, back to the brighter side. There’s a bunch of fun things going on otherwise, that I’ll write about instead! Like my new nephew and nice weather, the fact that Lev is TOTALLY POTTY TRAINED NOW and all the weddings I’m hopefully able to photograph this summer in between galavanting about the european countryside.  It’s not all doom and gloom around here. I’m headed out now to enjoy some afternoon shopping with Lev! Everyone go outside! Happy Spring!


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