On Waiting Well and Disappointment

Disclaimer: There’s a lot of waiting parents in our program who read this blog, as well as people thinking about adopting from Poland who are looking for info. My experience and their experience will differ very much and no adoption is the same. So from here on out as I write openly and earnestly about our experience, this “disclaimer” is going to appear at the top of my posts. Our crazy long sanctifying wait is not due to anything anyone at our agency, the facilitator, or our family has done. It just is. There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s all our of our hands at this point. I’m doing my best to make the best of it. This is adoption, people. It is what it is. Thanks for staying calm with us

 

I’ve been kind of remiss in posting. Maybe that’s an understatement. I don’t really know. I don’t really know much of anything right now. And honestly, I think I prefer to be in this place. If I knew stuff I might go a little crazy. I have renewed appreciation for the phrase no news is good news. I’m learning to embrace these moments, where we live our lives, not really sure what invitations to accept or decline. In the end, we accept them by saying “Maybe, but probably yes.” It’s the life where we pray for people we’ve sarcastically named Ladyjudge, who I suspect probably doesn’t like me because Polish people really don’t care for our President Obama. But there’s no way to send Ladyjudge a message that says, “don’t hold him against me! I didn’t vote for him!” so I accept my theoretical guilt by association and move on.  My studio schedule is only open for two weeks at a time. I tell all the photographers I work for that if I’m here two weeks before an event date, than I probably will be able to photograph with them that day. We live life 2 weeks at a time. That’s not really convenient.

See how I’m not really going anywhere with this? It’s because I’m actually really not going anywhere. While I’m not mad about that, I’m not really happy either. I’m not mad becuase being angry and worried and calling our agency every week won’t get me anywhere. I’d just be annoying people. And annoying people isn’t really my bag of tricks. Anyways, more importantly, when I look back on however long this time of excessive waiting is, I don’t want to have a ton of regrets. I think I have a couple here or there, but by and large and I’m thankful for the endurance given to me. It’s what I pray for when I pray for travel dates, and Ladyjudge and Violet. I just want to wait well. Except for that episode where the doctor didn’t want to fix my medical form, and I told someone at our agency that I was going to slap the doctor, I think I’ve waited more or less pretty well. It hasn’t been free of fear or frustration, but I don’t spend all my time wasting my energy on this wait. I have better things to do and I refuse to feel sorry for myself or be angry. It’s not the most God honoring thing I can do.

But just to placate people that I do indeed feel emotion, here’s some evidence that I’m not entirely happy.  Violet is turning 2 this week. I used to hope we’d be home by her birthday. We had tentative plans to go to Savannah to see my parents. My grandparents were coming to meet her, and Alex and I were going to take a day trip into Savannah to get some fresh seafood for a seafood boil. I was going to have an awesome mom moment and brave the heat and humidity for my girl. But I let go of that sometime in the beginning of May, thinking instead we’d be with her on her birthday,  then last week, I let that go. Remember that 2 week thing? Yeah. That came. Yesterday I gave it up for good. We’re just not going to be there. And I have to file that disappoint in the mental box with the rejection letter from NYU where I really really wanted to go graduate school, and the fertility clinic, and various other keen disappointments that live in the past. I chose cinnabon to celebrate her birthday, and we ate them after dinner, and then I watched an episode of the West Wing and now I’m here, writing that this is a huge disappointment for me. I know we’ll still get to do the Savannah seafood boil plan, and my grandparents are still going to come and meet her, and I escaped the heat and humidity of Georgia in the summer. But  still, it’s not how I hoped it would be.

Anyways, I’m going to end here, becuase it’s clear now there’s not really a point, and it’s starting to head into a downward spiral that I want to avoid. Plus did I mention it’s hot and I hate the heat and humidity? I just want to be somewhere cooler than my office. But I want to say here that despite the fact that we aren’t with her on her Birthday, I know that the Lord is with Violet, and us, and all the other people who are stuck waiting for people like Ladyjudge to do their thing. I don’t want this to deter people from adoption, but I also don’t want to sugar coat things either. It’s sometimes not a fun thing. But it’s always worth it.

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